My love life’s a bit of a mess
Not attracting the girls, I confess
I decide to make a splash
Decide to grow me a moustache

I study different types of mo’s
Trying to choose which one to grow
Decide to give them all a go
Experiment, put them all on show

I start with a pencil moustache
Like Errol Flynn and the arty types
It didn’t suit my face at all
It didn’t last the day, gone by nightfall

Tried the short bush under the nose
Like Charlie Chaplin’s, I suppose
But I also looked like Adolf Hitler
A bad mistake, so off it goes

Went the full Fu Manchu mo
Top of the mouth, then down the chin
It looked silly and made people grin
I despatched the Mongolian look to the bin

Tried my luck with a handlebar mo
It looked OK when fully grown
But it was quickly shaved off
When bikers claimed me as their own

Grew a stylish walrus mo
It drooped over the top lip
And curled back up again
People said I looked like Wyatt Earp
Or a young Mark Twain

My girlfriend almost accepted that walrus
She said it made me look a bit loveable
And compared to the others, less terrible
So now if you see me on the street,
You’ll see a clean-shaven man
After none of those moustaches
Helped me make a splash.